Safe Place

The one place that I thought I would never have to worry about running into visibly pregnant women, babies or children was my RE's office. Boy was I wrong...

I had to go to my RE's office two days in a row. Monday, for a pregnancy test prior to my HSG and Tuesday for my SHG.

On Monday, upon walking into the RE's office, there were not 1, not 2 but 3 children all under the age of one in the waiting area. No matter where we sat, there was a child staring right at us. Jussssst what I needed right before my test, as if I was emotional already.

On Tuesday, I held my breath when I walked into the RE's office, preparing myself to see children and to my relief, there weren't any in the lobby! Yay! Maybe this visit won't be so bad after all! They call my name and take me back to a room. I stand opposite the ultrasound machine as the nurse preps for the SHG. After she's finished, she tells me to undress from the waist down and to hop up on the table. As I sit down on the table, I glance to my right at the ultrasound screen and what do I see? A baby. On the ultrasound. Lovely.

I tried so hard to look at these two experiences as success stories and soon that will be Brian and I, but no matter how hard I tried, I found myself feeling nothing but anger, hopelessness, sadness and a little bit of jealously.

You would think that women coming to this office would understand how painful it can be to see children. They were all in this situation once before! To me there was no reason for it. Each woman had their husbands with them. So why in the world did they need to bring their child? The husband could have stayed outside the office. 

And the image on the ultrasound machine!!! Carelessness on the nurses/doctors part?? They deal with couples in our situation day in and day out. I would triple check every room after every patient to make sure there was nothing like that to be seen by the next patient. 

I don't really know the purpose of this post. I guess I really just needed a place to vent about this. I was absolutely crushed. Brian tries to understand, but I don't think it's quite as hard on him as it is on me. He sees things like that and it gives him hope and I love him for that, because sometimes I need that ray of light in my life. But this time around, I needed someone to hurt with me; be angry with me.

1st Wedding Anniversary!

I was going through all of our wedding photos while working on an anniversary gift, since our 1st anniversary is this weekend (yay!!), so I thought I would share some of our favorite pictures from our amazing day! I hope you enjoy them as much as we do :)

 

 

 

 

A little bit about me (and the hubs!)

I would just like to state that I am not a writer. I started this blog so I would have a place to vent my frustrations and share my excitement as my husband and I begin our journey down the infertility road. First, I will give you some background on the hubs and myself and how we got to where we are today.

My name is Samantha and I'm 25 (will be 26 in January). My husband is Brian and he's 28 (29 in June).

We both went to the same high school - I graduated in 2006 and Brian graduated in 2003, but neither of us knew the other during high school. We actually met the summer after I graduated, about a month before I left for college.

I still remember the night that we first met. I was friends with his best friend and he had invited me over to Brian's house for a party. Brian and a bunch of his friends were playing cards, drinking beer, and honestly, being a bunch of immature boys, but it was fun and I laughed so hard that night, my stomach hurt for days. That was the first night that I met Brian and ever since that night, I could never get enough time with him! We began hanging out several nights a week until I had to move an hour and a half away for college.

I went to the University of Akron and lived with my grandparents while I attended school (they live about 30 minutes from campus). I dreaded the move because I knew that meant I wouldn't see Brian as often. Despite the distance, we still managed to see each other just about every weekend for another 2 years. Then, the distance started to wear on us. We would go longer and longer between visits because of work obligations or exams. I just couldn't handle it any more, so we broke up.

Brian and I spent a year apart, but during that year, I constantly thought about Brian. We had both dated other people during that time, but no matter what I was doing or where I was, I was always thinking about Brian and trying to resist the urge to contact him. On a few occasions, I did reach out to Brian, but he was still devastated over our break up, so he would never answer. I finally decided that he was *THE* person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I wouldn't stop until he was mine again. After a couple more months of asking, begging and pleading, Brian finally agreed to meet me for dinner one night so we could talk. I realized that night after dinner, that Brian still loved me just as much as I loved him, but he wasn't going to make it easy on me to win him back. I can't say that I blame him after I broke up with him and broke his heart just a year earlier.

After a few months of casually hanging out here and there, Brian finalllllly asked me to be his girlfriend again :) Since then, things have just been falling into place. Brian moved in with me a few months after we started dating again (beginning of 2010), he proposed (July 28, 2010). A year later, August 10, 2011, we purchased our first house together and yet another year later, September 22, 2012, I became Mrs. Brian M!

That brings us to the current day, September 2013, 7 months into our infertility journey. I'll spend some more time discussing that in another post. It was important to me to tell our background story because it proves to me, and hopefully whoever is reading this, that we are fighters. We've been through so much to get where we are today. Although we are fairly early in this IF process, we have vowed that we will not let this break us and in the end, not only we will have a stronger relationship, but we will hopefully have a beautiful child to share our lives with.