Safe Place

The one place that I thought I would never have to worry about running into visibly pregnant women, babies or children was my RE's office. Boy was I wrong...

I had to go to my RE's office two days in a row. Monday, for a pregnancy test prior to my HSG and Tuesday for my SHG.

On Monday, upon walking into the RE's office, there were not 1, not 2 but 3 children all under the age of one in the waiting area. No matter where we sat, there was a child staring right at us. Jussssst what I needed right before my test, as if I was emotional already.

On Tuesday, I held my breath when I walked into the RE's office, preparing myself to see children and to my relief, there weren't any in the lobby! Yay! Maybe this visit won't be so bad after all! They call my name and take me back to a room. I stand opposite the ultrasound machine as the nurse preps for the SHG. After she's finished, she tells me to undress from the waist down and to hop up on the table. As I sit down on the table, I glance to my right at the ultrasound screen and what do I see? A baby. On the ultrasound. Lovely.

I tried so hard to look at these two experiences as success stories and soon that will be Brian and I, but no matter how hard I tried, I found myself feeling nothing but anger, hopelessness, sadness and a little bit of jealously.

You would think that women coming to this office would understand how painful it can be to see children. They were all in this situation once before! To me there was no reason for it. Each woman had their husbands with them. So why in the world did they need to bring their child? The husband could have stayed outside the office. 

And the image on the ultrasound machine!!! Carelessness on the nurses/doctors part?? They deal with couples in our situation day in and day out. I would triple check every room after every patient to make sure there was nothing like that to be seen by the next patient. 

I don't really know the purpose of this post. I guess I really just needed a place to vent about this. I was absolutely crushed. Brian tries to understand, but I don't think it's quite as hard on him as it is on me. He sees things like that and it gives him hope and I love him for that, because sometimes I need that ray of light in my life. But this time around, I needed someone to hurt with me; be angry with me.