Infertility Etiquette

Our immediate family knows that we have been discussing trying to conceive, some even know a little bit about the testing, etc we've gone through. However, no one knows that we've started treatments, or the details of our testing.

I've struggled with wanting to tell them everything, because on one hand, I think their support would be wonderful to have, but on the other hand, I feel as if they just won't understand just how complex IF can be. So, with that said, I thought I would share some thoughts from an article I recently read about infertility, just in case I decide to make this blog public (by public I mean open to our family and friends, not just 3T girls) :)

See the entire article here


More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant. Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is a method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

I'm so bad at remembering to post!

I'm really bad about writing up a post and then saving it, but never posting it! Which is why there are like 4 posts all from today! Oops!

On to IUI #2!!!

Got the call from the RE's office on Tuesday saying they wanted me to come in for an u/s as soon as I got back from my trip, so we scheduled an appointment for Thursday morning. The nurse said she couldn't guarantee that I'd actually be able to start medication. I guess if you already have follicle growth, she won't start you on any medication. Well, for once my body's inability to function the way it's supposed to worked in my favor. No follie growth, so I start another 5 day round of Clomid today! She did lower my dose though because she's worried about my lining being so thin even though I'm on baby aspirin. If this cycle doesn't work out, and we decide to continue trying, we'll be switching medications next cycle.

So our schedule for this IUI is - 50mg of Clomid CD6-10, mid-cycle u/s on CD14 and hopefully IUI on CD15 or 16. The RE suggested doing back-to-back IUI's since I had so much discomfort during the last cycle. We'll discuss it more at my mid-cycle appointment.

IUI #1 was a bust :(

My RE doesn't bring you in for a beta unless you get a positive test on your "test day" so I peed on a test as instructed and got a big fat BFN. I was so (naively) hopeful for this cycle because it was the first time we actually had a good shot (or any shot actually!) since we started TTC. After that conversation with my SIL, I'm just absolutely crushed.

Hours after my test, AF showed up. Just awesome. I called the RE to see if I can get in tomorrow (Sunday) before I leave for my work trip. I hope they call back soon...I don't want this cycle to be a bust because it's more than likely our last cycle until next summer :(

Update - The RE never called me back, so I called them again Sunday morning and got this response "Unless you can be here in 20 minutes, there isn't anything we can do for you." I live 40 minutes away from the RE. I absolutely lost it at that point. I apologized to the nurse because I just couldn't stop sobbing. She said she would talk to the dr and see if I could come in on CD6 (the first day I would be back in town after my work trip) but I won't hear from her until Tuesday.

I went upstairs and just cried and cried while Brian held me. I honestly don't know what I would do without that man sometimes. I don't have many weak moments, but when I do, he is always my rock.

You're lucky you live across the country bitch.

Today I had the discussion with my family that we don't want anyone to purchase gifts for us, because we aren't going to be able to purchase many gifts this year and my SIL said some EXTREMELY hurtful things some of which are:

1) If my kids are slighted now, I will remember it if you do have your own

2) Putting yourself into debt to have a baby on top of personal medical expenses was a choice. something that's planned. not an emergency. and given that you are an accountant I would assume you had budgeted accordingly, as well as thought about the holidays in advance when doing so, as people generally do.

3) I'm legitimately surprised that someone who studied and works in finance never seems to have it together. I'm sure you'll take it as criticism, but it's an observation I felt the need to make because it doesn't make sense --especially from where my uneducated and unemployed ass is sitting, where we only have one very shitty military income and two kids, no experience in managing finances and are affected everyday by the cost of living in Hawaii, no family/reliable resources to turn to, yet we don't seem to have the issues that a couple as put together as you and Brian do.

4) Take your two shits and shove them up your ass because the only thing I'm thinking Samantha is damn, for two people that smart and capable, they must have really fucked themselves.

5) it just hurts when people have to take things out on kids


Let me address these things one at a time -

1) Your children are both under the age of 5 - I highly doubt they will feel slighted for not receiving a toy they will either break or forget about in a week.

2) We are not putting ourselves in debt to have a baby, which is why our budget has gotten a lot stricter. We are paying cash for everything - EVERYTHING - so every extra penny we absolutely do not need to spend gets put into our savings account so we have some type of savings account left at the end of this. Also, we did budget for Christmas, however, no one wanted to partake in our cheaper gift exchange idea and we can't afford to spend a million dollars on each person in the family.

3) How exactly do we "not have it together"? We own our own home, we just purchased two new cars in the past year, we have very little credit card debt and we paid for our entire $12K wedding on our own.... Just because we decided to not buy gifts for anyone doesn't mean that we "don't have it together."

3) continued - That's right bitch, you are an unemployed leech. You wouldn't know how to manage finances even if someone smacked you with finances for dummies. My brother handles all that shit for you and there's a reason for it.

3) One last thing about number 3 - We don't have family to turn to either if we get into a financial bind. Read above ^^paid for our entire wedding ourselves^^ Both of my parents really do live paycheck to paycheck. They couldn't help me out even if they knew we were struggling. Oh, and my grandparents, who used to help me out tremendously when I was in college, can't do that anymore since my grandpa retired. They spend more money every month on medication for my grandma than they bring in.

4) See above - I'm not sure how we really fucked ourselves.....

5) I hate when people try to use their kids to make other people feel bad. None of this has anything to do with the kids. I would never take my hatred of you out on them. I'm a little more mature than that.

One of the amazing ladies on the 3T board suggested some of the following comebacks...and they are awesome, so I'm leaving them here too just in case my SIL decides to find my blog and come read this (I kind of hope she does).

"Okay deal, as long as you pay for the fertility treatments as my Christmas present from you guys."

"Fine, as long as you give me my future kids gifts PLUS the cost of fertility treatments that I have to have which you didn't need to have yours.  Fair's fair after all."
"Somehow trying to have my own children ranks higher on my financial priority list than buying you a sweater that you'll regift anyway."
"So you think I should get your kids a toy they'll probably break or forget about in a week instead of trying to have kids of my own?  Seems fair."

Just in case she does read this - before you start telling me how to live my life and spend my money, grow up, start making money of your own, and take care of your own children.

If you made it all the way through this - I applaud you :)